"Most couples argue at some point," Zinczenko claims. Well, that may not be ground-breaking news to married couples, but he does also report that "...many experts agree it [arguing] can be a positive thing..." Healthy arguing - but how? "...what you argue about could make the difference between building a healthy relationship and one that's headed for divorce." Zinczenko's conclusion seems to be that choosing our battles may be the key to healthy arguments.
According to Zinczenko, "...almost all couples fight over the same three things: money, chores and how much time the two of them spend together. Problem is, most of us wind up having these same arguments over and over again." The reason, he claims, is not just that these three issues are "hot buttons," but these three issues are rarely resolved.
Regarding sex, Zinczenko writes that "...each of you should be looking to make your sex life new/better/great/bed-shaking. And the only way you'll get there is by having an open conversation (communication), even if it feels ... uncomfortable," and, "You should tell the other person what you want when they're not delivering..." Zinczenko and Men's Health surveyed more than 2,000 men and women. 35% of women and 40% of men admit that they're not having sufficient spontaneous sex. To help with this issue, http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/20323044/ notes that, "Research shows that the female snuggle impulse is also her aphrodisiac." He offers no similar advice for women, but he does remind both men and women that when people stop arguing about sex, they stop having sex.
Regarding child-rearing, Zinczenko reminds us not to argue in the presence of our children, but do argue about how to raise them. "While there's a lot of choice in how you decide to punish, reward and set boundaries, the most important part is being each other's support system and being jointly involved. Studies suggest that children whose parents are 'highly involved' in their school-related activities perform better academically." In fact, "If both of you are deeply invested in how the kids are raised, you're going to fight about things like time-outs, toys, curfews, hair styles, clothes choices, and the best way to make your daughter's first date sweat. But that's OK - it means you're both dedicated to the same goal." In other words, when a couple argues about how to raise the children, both spouses can rest assured this is a sign that both parents are actively interested and involved in the process, even when it may not seem this way in the heat of the moment.
Regarding retirement, Zinczenko seems to be recommending that couples argue with the goal of having a joint vision/dream. If he wants a cabin in the woods, and she wants a neighborly community, then it's better to argue over this sooner than later. "Arguing about it forces you to plan." This is something that makes sense not only financially, but also in terms of having a healthy marriage when retirement time arrives.
Regarding health, "Except for ladder falls, errant nail-gun incidents and other accidents, the average man won't see a doctor between his last high school physical and his first heart attack (on the plus side, that does save the need to argue about retirement)." Joking aside, "...it's worth nagging your partner to get active - and get screened for preventable diseases... Bickering about regularly getting to the doctor -and the gym - can prolong your life." Marriage Matters does not recommend "nagging," but positive and uplifting constructive criticism, given in a respectful way, could save your spouse's life.
Re working overtime and long hours, "...you've got to let your partner know when you're feeling neglected, before you're both more bitter than a lemon peel." An Australian study revealed that people with stressful jobs are more likely to experience anxiety and poor health, and "...coming home stressed from work makes you more likely to blow up at your kids and lash out at your spouse. Be aware of how you spend your time at the office, and cut the nonsense, like obsessively checking e-mail or surfing the Web. The more efficient you are from 9 to 5, the more you'll get done, and the less of a problem it'll be to leave at 5:15." Research reveals that "10 minutes of hand-holding and a 20-second hug from your spouse can lessen the damaging effects of stress."
Regarding listening and communication, "Ninety-three percent of couples who fight dirty will be divorced in 10 years, according to marital researchers at the University of Utah. So while arguing can be a healthy means of expressing your feelings, unreasonable yelling and non-constructive criticism won't get you anywhere. Except in court." There are other consequences as well: being on the receiving end of a domineering, one-sided argument can cause arteries to harden according to some studies. Unhealthy arguments have been linked to heart disease and issues. "Disagreements are as unavoidable as taxes and damaging photographs of Britney, but the way you interact during them provides an opportunity for your relationship to grow."
SOURCE: "Fair feud? 6 issues couples should argue about"; MSNBC/Today; Men's Health on which arguments can ruin or strengthen relationships; 08/20/2007; http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/20323044.
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